Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
