y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
