im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
