I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
