I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
