come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Randomize
