i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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