life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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