I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I smell like Dick and happiness
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
