I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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