why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
