I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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