Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
