I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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