You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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