Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
