So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
