I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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