So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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