he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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