sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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