$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
