She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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