my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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