I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
where are my pants?
in the oven.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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