My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
