He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
