the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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