You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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