Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
