She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
