im six kinds of drunk right now
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
