New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
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