broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
