Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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