You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
We are two peas in an std pod
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
