when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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