in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
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