Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
