She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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