I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
