I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
