tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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