3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
