i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
