your room smells of hookers.
And success
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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