Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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