Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Randomize
