sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
