We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
